[ETS will be hiring to help with #AMHF, so I was thinking about what a guide might look like for future employees. Then I remembered, I have a really bad one floating around in my humor archive, and I thought I would share it as a "What Not To Do When Creating An Employee Handbook".]
One Summer, I took a job at a day camp by my parent’s home. Before the campers arrived, the employees were gathered to go over important information with the camp’s directors. The following are from the original document and have not been molested in any way. My pithy comments that follow have, by editing.
- “Responsibilities: You must be able to account for EVERY camper throughout the day.”
There are over 400 kids running around. Do you want me to spend all day following each of them? Or just the group I was assigned to? What if one kid trips and hurts himself? Do we all stop and wait for that kid to get up and have someone yell “He’s Ok!” before going back to our duties?
- “Staff Appearance: You are expected to look neat and tidy at all times. Clothes must be clean, and must not contain inappropriate words or illustrations that can be perceived as offensive to the campers. The decision on what is appropriate is reserved to the Director.”
What they meant to say: “The children are scared of you. Showers are not optional. And while you’re at it, borrow someone else’s clothes. We expect you to act and dress like a yuppie, so your hole-filled Metallica shirt is not acceptable.
If your clothes are not up to the director’s modest standards of Prada and Abercrombie & Fitch, they will throw a fit and fire you. If this rule means stopping your prescription drug habit so you can afford new clothes, awesome.
- “Document conflicts between campers”
Camper’s Log Stardate 926645.02: Brad and Larry… continue… to pummel Justin … with pottery. I … keep trying…to encourage them to use something. .. heavier.
- “Under no circumstances are you allowed to administer physical or emotional punishment.”
So keep smiling when that rotten rich kid tells you how great he is because “accidents” can happen.
- “Try to avoid threatening campers.”
But keep them on their toes.
- “Try to avoid backing a person into a corner where they have no options causing “MANHOOD” to be questioned, thereby eliciting negative responses. “
I swear it actually says that. Beware god-fearing public, “MANHOOD” can be threatened.
- “At no time may any staff member date or go out with campers. Do not tell jokes or stories of a sexual nature or make requests for sexual favors.”
Well, then I guess I have nothing to talk about with the campers then.
- “You must have a bathing suit and be prepared to come into the water if necessary.”
Do I LOOK like a lifeguard? Besides…I can’t swim… what with the night terrors and all.
- “Safety is key”
How about we throw some danger in there, just to mess with everyone? You better believe you would have more kids come to camp if you told them they would be placed in mortal danger on a daily basis. We could have a land mine obstacle course, tigers roaming freely, and menacing Zebras.
We can call it, Camp Danger.
- “Under No Circumstances are you to sell Alcohol, Drugs, or Tobacco to the Campers”
Sorry kids.
- “Judgment and Common Sense are an important part of this job.”
And yet you hired me … why?
- “If you are a Male, the Girls Locker Room is OFF LIMITS. And Vice Versa “
Unless you’re Chris Hanson, from Dateline NBC
- “Borrowing items from campers or lending items to campers is not acceptable.”
Who said anything about borrowing?
- “Only staff trained according to written procedures in the appropriate use of gas, liquid flammables, poisonous materials, and power tools may use them.”
Of all the items mentioned above, power tools seems unncessecary.
- “Be aware of doors into and out of buildings and how to use them.”
Nobody but the best and brightest works at our exclusively outdoor camp.
- “Don’t panic in case of emergency. Keep a cool head and call for help.”
Screw that! I’ll use one of the kids as a battering ram if I need to. Where’s that smug kid?
“Summer time brings violent stormy weather. Younger Campers may cry or get very nervous.”
It’s just charged electrons gently caressing the earth’s surface, what’s the worse that can happen if we’re playing a game of “Find The Sheet Metal?
- “Try to get all the facts about the problem before making any kind of judgment.”
The camp’s philosophy? Be a dork and ask questions. The counselor’s philosophy? What would The HULK do?
