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[On the weekend I like to post (slightly altered) articles from my unpublished book, Turbulence In The Airplane Bathroom. You can find previous entries and tips on humor writing in our "How To Use Snap Copy" section. The alterations usually try to tie the article into a more important point I'm trying to make here on SBI.]
A friend of mine used to be a computer lab proctor at Alfred State College. His entire job consisted of walking from lab to lab, counting computers, mice, keyboards, and the people using the lab.
I tagged along a few times, and on one of our trips I came across a purple spiral notebook stuffed between two computers. The book looked liked it had been there for a while, and it had apparently been part of an assignment.
The grade caught my interest because I recognized the instructor and her grading system. The student received a five out of thirteen, which falls somewhere between “a grizzly death by a grizzled grizzly bear” and “trampled by an angry Black Friday mob exclusively wearing stiletto heels”.
The statements below are copied word for word from the original notebook. Let this be an important reminder as to why you should spell check and re-read everything you produce.
- “Some of the professors teach us stuff that we are hever going to have to use. Math is a good example.”
- What is wrong with illegal drug?”
- “If you are good at metal working, you might be a machinist.”
- “My favorite mose is Dumb and Dumber. Ever time I see that movie I just can’t help but to resite the words.”
- “Jim Carey and Jeff Daniels are the best pair ever put together.”
- “I wonder if Amish girls wonder what it is like to have amish guys who are not Amish.”
- “I think that by putting of video games like James Bond teaching the children of today to be good and ingeligent shippers and shooters.”
- “Where do people get there anger from when they play heavy metal music?’
- “I would hate to be the first person to have brain surgery.”
- “I wonder how how the first guy created the animal cracker. The guy must of ben at the zoo eating a cracker while looking at the animals.”
- “I for the life of me can not understand why a man would want to wear spandex.”
- “I understand its illegal but why sensor it?”
- “I was watching the news and this guy was standing there in nothing but spandex. He must have other clothes, we don’t need to see that while watching the news.”
- “Even when I’m sitting in class I get cravings for chicek salad from Friendlys.”
- “Why is it that people have to follow rules within the community?”
- “The democrats usually get in a circle and shoot at each other all day.”
