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[This post is part of the "Things To Be Happy" Series. Remember: Happiness is a pithy domain name that best describes your project. Get one today from GoDaddy.com]
Things To Be Happy About: #2 Being Able To Heckle The Hecklers
The Following Is An Actual Reply To A Heckler
Comedian George Carlin had been known to be very rough on hecklers. In one of his most famous responses to a heckler, Carlin stopped his joke and went on with a long series of vulgar insults including “Fuck you and your sister and your wife! If you’ve got a kid, I hope your fucking kid dies in a car fire!“
Watch:
(Source: Heckling Of Comedians)
Here Are Common Comedian Responses To Heckling
If you are ever heckled, performing a comedy show or in general, feel free to use any of the following. These lines are based off common responses comedians utilize to deal with hecklers in their audiences.
Telling The Heckler To Be Quiet
“Shut up or I’ll come to your home and beat your kids with a sack of quarters.”
Calling The Heckler Asshole
“Hey Asshole, don’t you need your mouth to consume oxygen? If you want to kill yourself on my account, go ahead. We’ll wait …”
Implying The Heckler Is Drunk Or Drugged
“Whoa lady, I think the people sitting next to you might be afraid to light a match. What’s your BAC? 1,000?”
Implying The Heckler Is Childish
“Crayola. That’s what I have for you. Here. We have Magenta and, I don’t know, some kind of copper. Here’s some paper. Now be quiet. The adults are talking.”
Implying The Heckler Is An Idiot
“Buddy, do you want me to call the local middle school and tell them to expect another student in their resource room tomorrow?”
Implying The Heckler Is Ugly
“I understand you’re bitter, but how about letting us normies get through the show, ok? You can go back to looking into the mirror and cursing God when you get home.”
Sexual insults
“All because you need Second Life to understand what sex is doesn’t mean you need to vent your anger on the rest of us. Go home and spank off. At least this way you’ll do something productive: Lessening your chances of reproducing and maybe dying alone. Who knows. Maybe we’ll get lucky and both will happen.”
Insults To Parents
“I know crack addicts make for terrible mothers, but let me tell you what your shrink won’t: Mommy never loved you and no one cares what you think.”
Implying The Heckler Has A Menial Job
“Settle down buddy, I know you’re excited about your late shift at Walmart tonight, but I need you to bottle up that excitement.”
Why Should We Be Happy About This?
Because when the idiots stop talking, we win!
The 21st century has brought us a deluge of digital assholes looking to tear you down anywhere they can. Someone’s got to put those jackasses in their place. Why not you? No one likes a bully, and unfortunately our Mom’s advice on ignoring them until they go away might get you killed.
You know why you see so many idiots like the Birthers get on the news? It’s because normal people ignore them and don’t plan counter offensives. Instead we let the idiots on the other side of the argument do it, and that’s like pissing on an electrified fence.
Take a lesson from the people who bring us happiness and joy. By standing up to the bullies, you’ll get them out of your life, off television, and we’ll lead a much healthier, and happier, existence.
Sources:
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