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In light of Tila Tequila’s recent Ustream freak show, I thought I would offer some analysis as to what makes
Tila our slutty universe’s port of call.
Usually I avoid posts about pop culture footnotes, but we only know who Tila is because of social publishing. So, she’s our fault.
Since Tila has no discernible talent, writing a post like this the equivalent of pushing Professor Xavier down a flight of stairs. That’s why we’ll just focus on one of Tila’s many social publishing crimes. The less said about the rest, the better.
Let’s take a look at “I Love You”… Oh. I’m sorry. Tila decided to demonstrate her literary wizardry and change the “you” to “U”. I hope she doesn’t ever get work as a teacher.
Actually, is there anyway to make this vaghole sign something that makes her promise to stay the fuck away from kids?
I Love U: Enough Versions For Available Orifices
1. The Clean Version (aka “Things Tila Tequila Is Unfamiliar With”)
2. The Explicit Version (aka “Saturday”)
3. There is also a remix from Don Diablo. I don’t know who that is but fuck him. Especially if he’s remixing Tila’s music and forcing audiophiles around the world to suffer the auditory equivalent of sarin gas.
The Video: Because There Are Just Some Things You Can’t Unsee
There’s not much I can give you in the way of information to prepare you for the coming rape of your eyes. But I do have this moist tidbit: Tila wants you to know that “I Love U” is not. I repeat. Not. A love song.
0:02 We’re two seconds in and I had to minimize the window. If my wife caught me watching this, she would think I violated the “No Porn” rule.
0:18 “But if you ever hurt me… I’ll fuckin’ kill you!” I think “I’ll fucking cut you” would have been funnier, but she owns a gun. Tila Tequila music videos are SERIOUS BUSINESS.
0:23 Apparently it’s raining. No. That’s not blood. I can only assume it’s sweat. Human sweat. From Tila’s personal stash that she uses to sustain her physical presence in this dimension.
0:27 I swear to god these are the lyrics:
“You betta go down when you get wit me,
You betta realize I’m what you need.
You betta get here ‘fore I count to three,
You betta do right, I’ll fuck you up!”
0:43 I wonder what the production meeting for this video was like. Because so far? I’m only seeing some serious green screen action and Tila piercing the soul of the video’s viewers by starring into the camera. She’s dead inside, but I wonder if she were alive, if her internal monologue would say, “Is there a way for me to be more of a skank?”
1:04 I attribute Tila’s MySpace success to being the skaniest skank that ever skanked. But I could be wrong, maybe Tila can explain her MySpace success with some clever lyrics:
And who the fuck is this bitch on ya page,
With the big ass tits up on ya top eight?
What do people on MySpace like more than illiterate porn stars? References to the service they use!
I’ll let the irony of Tila’s lyrics slide. I’m trying not to make your head explode, and at this point, you must be pretty damn close if you’re still watching this video.
1:31 “Shut the fuck up and get in my pants”. You better listen to Tila. Otherwise she may “fuckin kill you”. The funny thing is, you’re dead either way.
By the way, how much does that random guy in the video make for lying on his back and letting Tila touch him? Was the CDC on site to hose him down after?
2:07 “Cuz I’m the crazy bitch, I ain’t got no shame (yep)” You got that one right.
2:24 I want to point out that there’s virtually no music here. It’s like the video’s director, probably comatose at this point, never yelled cut. And while I’m not 100% certain, I pray to God those are not back up singers I hear. That would mean more people I have to kill.
2:50 It looks like Tila’s run out of clever things to say. I love repititon as much as the next guy, but …
I feel like when Tila sat down to write this song, because we all know there’s not a human being on the planet that helped, she ran out of threatening things to say. Since gibberish, Tila’s natural language, is not popular, she decided to pad the rest of the track with words she vaguely understands.
3:00 Have to like the wink at the end. You know, the “I’m just kidding” wink? If she didn’t do that, everyone would have taken this song at face value.
I have tears in my eyes. Tears of joy. I’m thankful this thing is over. I watched it to atone for the sins of Tequila and what social publishing has unleashed on this world. We’re even now folks. At least until one of the social media mavens says something moronic, which will be any second now …
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