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It’s not every day you get to write about a girl on your calendar. The surprisingly available Ms. Madison, and the original Girls Next Door, wound up on my wall as a Christmas joke.
Which brings me to this slightly odd pairing found by A Million High Fives co-conspirator eD! Thomas in a book about Twitter:
That’s right. Not only am I in a book about Twitter, I’m in the celebrity directory, and I apparently have more star power than Holly Madison.
My question: Which one of you assholes are responsible for this?
Because it has to be a joke. Here’s why:
Brandon Mendelson Vs. Holly Madison (According To Some Twitter Book)
*Note: I updated the following / follower stats and emphasized the really frightening parts:
Holly Madison (@HollyMadison123) : “This self-described “Showgirl Next Door” always pops in for a tweet.”
Tweet Stats:
Following: 73
Followers: 261,603
Star Power: 2
Tweet Frequency: 3
Entertainment Value: 2
Follow-back ratio: 0.03%
Brandon Mendelson (@BJMendelson): “Survivalist Star Mendelson is a constant tweeter and demands a loyal folllowing.”
Tweet Stats
Following: 1,008
Followers: 957,333
Star Power: 3
Tweet Frequency: 4
Entertainment Value: 4
Follow Back Ratio: .24%
A Thoughtful Analysis
What the fuck is a survivalist? Oh. Thanks Wikipedia!
I mean, seriously. I’m a lot of things. Comedian, graduate student, quasi pornographic wall calendar connoisseur, but survivalist?
I barely know how to survive life, let alone life without a functional society.
I barely know how to start a fire, let alone keep my clothes from smelling like mildew.
My idea of stockpiling food involves buying Hostess cupcakes and keeping them in the closet “for later”.
If I’m a survivalist, I should be running around with an army quoting Shakespeare and threatening people by telling them about how I used to sell copy machines.
Since I have never sold copy machines, have an army, or quote Shakespeare, one can infer, I am not a survivalist.
I think the only army I could muster would be the Salvation Army.
Can you imagine the look on my enemies faces? “Oh fuck! It’s the Salvation Army!”
And then there’s this:
Let me ask you something, you of incredible wit and intelligence, how is it even remotely possible that I have more star power than someone that looks like that when the wake up in the morning?
Yeah, I may be funnier, but really? I can’t compete with that. And the audience would laugh more with Holly than they would with me.
It’s true. Watch a bunch of guys trying to hit on a pretty girl. They will always laugh at her jokes, no matter how racist or stupid they might be. Especially if they’re desperate, as most guys are.
I could come up with the coolest idea ever, and Holly Madison can be like, “Fuck you. I’m naked” and no one would care.
Proof!
Brandon: “I know how to end homelessness!”
Holly Madison: “Boobs!”
Brandon: “I have cured AIDS”
Holly Madison: “I have cured the issue of clothing!!”
Brandon Mendelson: “Here is how you can end poverty in Africa”
Holly Madison: “I’m naked and giving away free money that E! gave me”
Not to mention, Holly was on TV, and will soon star in her own show. In Las Vegas. You know what happened when I went to Vegas? My car died and I left it’s fate in the hands of two allegedly reliable people who abandoned it. Oh, and the place we were staying at lost the title of the car and then lied about it.
That’s how much sway I have in Vegas!
Two interviews with two CBS affiliates and an appearance on a web show this year versus starring in your own show for several years. Oh yeah. I totally win this one. It’s not even close!
But there’s one thing I have that Holly doesn’t have. Two things actually. The second? I’m allegedly a survivalist!
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