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This photo is credited to Logan Cyrus
I’ve been in the middle of revising the earlier chapters of Dracula And Kittens. After every ten, the plan is to stop and make sure everything is synced up appropriately. I noticed Chapter four, The Great Gig In The Sky, was a little short. So, I invented a sort of sequel to Death Of A Salesman, which was only alluded to previously.
This is the draft of the letter Happy Loman writes to John Harker. In the next few days, I’ll show you my revisions and talk about fitting it into the mythos (if a parody book can even have that) of Dracula And Kittens.
Dear John,
I am in the company of Captain Robert Walton and his sister. We are at the North Pole, and have come across a curious individual babbling about his monster. I know what you’re thinking. Let me assure you there is actually a monster, and that this individual is not speaking about anything located in his pants.
Because of the dangerous conditions, and the possibility of a poor reception should Amleia and I locate this monster and offer him our services, there is something I would like to share with you. It’s about my Father and his rather unfortunate demise. We all know the story, and I have been the direct beneficiary, having sold its rights to that Marilyn Monroe-marrying playwright. I don’t regret doing so as his check paid for Biff and I’s attendance at Harvard Law.
Biff was initially reluctant, but he couldn’t find what he wanted out west. Instead he joined me and now works for D.C. Comics. I don’t know if I ever told you what he does there, but I trust you John, and so I shall on the condition that it remains shared only between us. Biff doesn’t write comics as I’ve lead people to believe. Instead, he googles Wonder Woman and other DC superheroine names, sending cease and desist letters to pornographers who use the characters in their videos. There is an entire department dedicated to finding, watching, and reporting the existence of these videos to the corporate executives. I can’t tell you how many hours of pornography Biff has watched and been well compensated for.
Anyway, my Father believed in the American Dream more than anyone. In his heart, he thought that no matter who, what, or where, you can improve your lot in life if you tried hard enough. I know it may not be popular to say, but I share this dream.
John, we live in a world filled with monsters. Some more obvious than others. Most of the time these monsters are created as a result of our pursuit of this dream. And I am ok with this. I am ok with representing these monsters because of what they represent. To me, creating these monsters may be crazy, but it was their inventor’s dream to make them. Who are we to tell them what they can and cannot do? No one should be in that business. And that’s exactly the problem today. The American Dream has been effectively buried by a maturing society looking to keep certain parties in a position of authority. It has always been whom you know, and that is why I sold my father out to pay for Harvard. The education I received is no different than what it would be at another institution, but I needed the name. I needed the network. The network is what brought me to our beloved firm.
And as far as the monsters are concerned who will defend them if we do not? Who amongst us would be brave enough to tell the skeletal man that he does not receive the same rights and protections his creator does because of his desire to devour small children? Or to the fire monster, whose only crime was taking a leisurely walk around the mall, not knowing that with each step he incinerated his fellow shoppers? It’s not his fault for existing. It’s not his fault he wanted to find a pair of jeans that would actually fit the raging inferno that are his 33 x 33 measurements.
I hope that in the future, you will realize that the American Dream is alive. It is not somel fairy tale like the Great Gig In The Sky. It lives in all of us, human and otherwise. And it continues to breath as long as we believe in our ability to create. And if we should fail, that we can continue to create, with each new iteration bringing us closer to prosperity and a better world for each of us.
Except in China. Fuck those people.
-Happy
P.S. If something should happen to me, you are entitled to a few of my … office supplies. Just make sure to do what is needed before Blake arrives.
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